BLUE LIP BLACK WITCH-CUNT

#AIMNOSTALIGIA (A PIECE I WROTE FOR ART QUARTERLY)

I WAS ALWAYS TURNED ON BY THE ANONYMITY OF PRIVACY. LIKE MANY, I EXPLORED MY ADOLESCENT SEXUAL CURIOSITY IN AIM CHAT ROOMS, CAT-FISHING FOR THE REPRESSED BABY-BOOMERS WHO NEVER ENJOYED SUCH A LUXURY IN THEIR OWN YOUTH. MY FIRST BLOWJOB AND THE FIRST TIME I WAS FUCKED WERE WITH MADDOG32, A USER WHO I IMAGINED TO BE THE LATE 20s BRUNETTE MAN OF MY OLD NAVY DREAMS WHO, WHEN NOT ‘AWAY’ CONSUMED MY TIME AND ENERGY IN A 200 PIXEL BOX WITH RAINBOW SPECTRUM TEXT. BIT BY BIT I VOLUNTARILY GAVE UP THE PHYSICAL (MEET AT A PARTY) AND SEMI-PHYSICAL (BUY CLOTHES AT A MALL) FOR THE PROTECTIVE VEIL OF 0s and 1s THAT GUARDED THE SCRUTINY-FREE REIGN OF DESIRE AND PRIDE THAT MY SELFHOOD HAD DEVELOPED IN. SOMETIMES I GO BACK TO MY ABANDONED EMAIL ACCOUNTS AND LOOK AT THE ASS PICS I WOULD SEND WHEN WORDS CAME ATTACHED WITH PHOTOS. I JUST WANTED TO LOOK AT THE BODIES OF THOSE WHO MIGHT OTHERWISE NEVER BE COMFORTABLE ENOUGH TO SHOW OR SHARE. 

ITS A BITTERSWEET SORT OF REMINISCENCE, ONE THATS NOW TAINTED WITH THE COLLECTIVE OBSESSION OVER CHILD ACTORS DICK PICS. AS THE OMNIPRESENT PROBE OF GOVERNMENTAL OBSESSION IS EXPOSED, SO TOO IS THE VAGINA OF A BASKETBALL WIFE WHO IS PROVING, OR ATTEMPTING TO PROVE THAT HER PUSSY IS REAL. THE SAME INTERNET THAT I RAN TO AS FERTILE GROUND FOR EXPERIMENTATION IN FETISH IDENTITY HAS GIVEN UP THE SECRETS OF THAT EXPERIMENTATION. EVERY 18-32 YEAR OLD IN THE DEVELOPED WORLD NOW KNOWS THE TRUTH OF THE TRANSSEXUAL EMPIRE ARMING SUPPOSEDLY PSEUDO-WOMEN WITH VAGINAS IN SERVICE TO THE SAME CURIOUS MEN WHO ARE BAITED AND PUBLICLY BROUGHT TO JUSTICE ON TO CATCH A PREDATOR.

WHERE I ONCE GAVE UP THE ORNAMENTS OF LIFE AS ONE ATOM AMONG THE MASSES, I NOW RISK BEING EXPOSED AND POSSESSED BY THE SAME HEARD. THE INHERENT IDOLATRY OF CELEBRITIES IS SOMEHOW AS CENTRAL A FUNCTION AS THE TRAGIC FALL OF THE SAME. BRITNEY SPEARS IS LOCKED IN HER BATHROOM CRYING WHILE SHE SHAVES HER HEAD AND MY EMAIL ACCOUNT HAS BEEN HACKED BY MY FATHER, WHO ONLY NOW DISCOVERED THAT I USED HIS COMPUTER TO TALK TO OUR NEIGHBOR’S CLOSETED FTM DAUGHTER FOR HOURS OF C2C HEDONISM. IF HE DIDN’T FIND IT, SOMEONE IN THE RANK-AND-FILE OF BLOATED BUREAUCRATS FEVERISHLY LOOKING FOR DETAILS OF THE GIRL HE SAW ON THE GPS DATING APP WOULD HAVE. THE PHOTOS ON GAWKER, AND IPHONE SNAPS OF INCONSPICUOUS SUBWAY RIDERS SEEM TO GRANT CERT TO THE ALL AMERICAN PHILOSOPHY OF ‘I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE, AND THEREFORE HAVE NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF’ THAT EVERY PUBLIC NEWS DEBATE RESTS ITS CASE ON. 

I THINK ITS LESS THAT ANYONE HAS LESS TO HIDE THAN THAT IF WE ALL POSESS THE POWER TO AND PRODUCT OF EACH OTHERS SHIELDED DESIRE, WEVE GOT EACH OTHER IN A BEAUTIFUL CATCH 22. IF I WAS SAVY ENOUGH, I’D PURCHASE MY SUBSCRIPTION TO MY PORN AND HOOKUP SITES WITH BITCOIN, WHICH TO MY LIMITED KNOWLEDGE MIMICS GOLD AND IN AN ACT OF ALCHEMY OFFERS IT TO A MULTITUDE OF PEER TO PEER ANONYMOUS TRANSACTIONS, MAKING MATERIAL (WELL, SORT OF) THE DREAM I HAD THAT VALUE, IDENTITY AND POWER HAS ONLY AS MUCH AGENCY AS WE BELIEVE OR CHOOSE TO BELIEVE IT DOES  (RE: CATFISH).

MAYBE WHEN I GET MY SURGERY, ASSUMING I DO AT SOME POINT, I CAN FINALLY FEEL LIKE THE WOMAN I AM INSIDE BY POSTING PHOTOS OF THE $32,000 PUSSY GOD GAVE A TALENTED SURGEON IN THAILAND THE ABILITY TO SCULPT FROM  A SCARRED BODY DISTORTED BY YEARS OF DYSPHORIA. IN REALITY, I DOUBT WE CAN EVER CONFIRM OR DENY AGAIN, THE PHOTOS WOULD BE NO MORE A TESTAMENT TO THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER THAN TO THE IMPLOSION OF THE LINK BETWEEN TEMPORALITY, USER-NAME-IN-PHOTO AND TRUTH.

THE ENTIRE VILLAGE OF STEUBENVILLE TURNED ITS EYES ELSEWHERE AS THE TWEETS, PHOTOS, VIDEOS AND STATUSES OF TEEN RAPISTS DID ALL BUT FORCE US TO WITNESS THE TRANSGRESSION AGAIN AS IF THROUGH TIME TRAVEL. BUT YOUTH IS ALWAYS AN EXCUSE, AT LEAST INSOFAR AS WE HOLD ON TO THE FANTASY OF IT AS JUSTIFICATION FOR ACTS MOST OF US WOULD RATHER DISAPPEAR INTO THE CRUEL AND UNDER-EXPOSED WORLD OF YOUTH.

I WORRY THAT MY OLD ACCOUNTS ARE STILL THERE ONLINE, WAITING TO SURFACE AT AN INCONVENIENT MOMENT SHOULD I EVER BE IN THE PUBLIC EYE … AS IF THAT WOULD BE NECESSARY. THE iMOBILE, EVER-PRESENT SHARE-TUMBLE-TWEET-POST-REBLOG SEEMS TO HAVE SUCCESSFULLY KILLED THE FLESH OF IT ALL; THE BODY BEHIND THE IMAGE.

WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT PRECIOUS EPOCH WHEN MEN WERE MEN AND WOMEN WERE WOMEN, THE DRAFT TIED THE POPULATION AT LARGE TO THE GOVERNMENTS WILL, AS AN EXTENSION OR MANIFESTATION OF/AS ITS MATERIALITY AND FLESH.

I STOPPED BEING SURPRISED AFTER THE SCREENCAP. ITS MADE EVERYTHING PERMANENT, EPHEMERALITY A MERE ILLUSION. I’VE TRIED ROMANTICIZING ACTUAL IRL CONVOS AS CONTRABAND, BUT I KNOW THATS A SILLY CONCEPT GIVEN THE CAPABILITIES OF MUSIC ID SOFTWARE. BUT THE TINGLE STILL FEELS GOOD, WHEN MY LOVER TALKS RIGHT AGAINST MY EAR AND THEIR BODY VIBRATIONS TICKLE MY SPINE. 

TO THE DEGREE THAT I’VE ALWAYS BEEN AS NOSEY AS I WAS CURIOUS, THE CULT OF PERSONALITY THAT BIRTHED AMERICAN EXCEPTIONALISM HAS TURNED ON A POPULATION IN WHICH WE ARE EACH OTHERS PERSONALITIES. EACH OF US AN ICON IN OUR OWN RIGHT WITH LEGACIES AND MYTHOLOGIES—AND DIRTY MATERIAL—LINGERING IN BINARY CODES. I NOW FIND MYSELF FIGHTING THE OBSESSIVE DESIRE TO UNVEIL - TO REVEAL THE FALLIBILITY OF THE INFALLIBLE POPULATION OF COWARDLY WITCH-HUNTERS.

THE AMERICAN DREAM THAT SUSTAINED THE FANTASY OF MOBILITY IS HAVING ITS OLD ACCOUNTS AND DRUNKEN TEXTS BROUGHT TO THE PUBLICS ATTENTION. THE UNDERBELLY OF THE PRIVACY IT PROUDLY PROTECTED; CRAIGSLIST, PORN, THE RIGHT TO KILL TRESPASSERS. AS WE SCRUTINIZE EACH THER IN THE FACE OF OUR UNMASKED IMPURITY, WE STAND NAKED IN GLASS BOXES WITNESSING EACH OTHER SCRUTINIZE THE FAT, BONES, BODILY FLUIDS, POCKETED DISHES, AND PHOTOS ON FAULTY HARD-DRIVES. 

IF REAL POWER BEGINS WHERE SECRECY BEGINS, THEN AS WE FRANTICALLY SEARCH FOR DICK PICKS OF JUSTIN BIEBER OR OUR NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR WHO WERE CONVINCED POSTS THE FACELESS CL AD SEEKING AN ASIAN BOTTOM, WE’RE SEDUCED INTO A BEAUTIFUL DISTRACTION IN WHICH WERE CONVINCED, BY VIRTUE OF OUR VICTORIOUS TOPPLING OF THE LIVES OF OTHERS THAT WE INDEED HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE.

I’VE PERSONALLY NEVER BELIEVED AS MUCH, AS I STILL HAVE TO GET MY TUCK RIGHT EVERY TIME I PISS OR SHIT. YESTERDAY I TRIED TO JUSTIFY THAT NON-BELIEF AND COULDN’T GET PAST THE 4 HOURS IT TOOK ME TO UNDO EVERY ‘AGREE TO TERMS’ I’D COMPLIED WITH IN THE LAST 4 IPHONE APPS I INSTALLED.

ITS A DISGUSTING HYPERTROPHY THATS KILLED MY CURIOSITY, SEXUAL DESIRE AND DESIRE FOR SEX REASSIGNMENT AT THE SAME TIME.

#AIMNOSTALGIA

  • BULLETT:

    I'm curious as to whether you'd agree that "Blackness is in fashion right now." If so, how/why do you think that's going on?

  • JULIANA:

    I think blackness (as long as that concept has existed) has always been in fashion. I think the ways in which blackness is addressed and used as the basis for creative visions of the world mutate over time. I think for a long time, in terms of appropriation, white men were allowed to take on black masculinity, which is where the concept of a 'wigger' comes from. I think that specific vision of white appropriate of blackness happened hand-in-hand with the popular dissemination of hip-hop to white America and the Western world at large. Although there were moments of white women incorporating elements of black style inter their looks (Bo Derek), it wasn't in the same way. There was no appropriation of larger ideas of dress, attitude, speech etc. I think as we enter the 2nd and 3rd+ generations of white kids globally who have ideas of what it means to be white and align oneself with black culture, we've gotten to a unique moment where white women, white gay men, and other races are playing with blackness; its notions of coolness, hardness, urban-ness and specific forms of hyper-sexuality. The internet has abstracted black cultural production from black people and we're experiencing, I think, the product of that separation. Racism doesn't exist less, but the merger of black cultural expression with any idea of authenticity or entitlementment-to- has faded as the internet archives and makes accessible any and every fetish desire, including the desire for or admiration of another culture.

  • BULLETT:

    Next, what do you think is lost and what is possibility gained with an increased visibility of racial/ethnic/subcultural/street dress in high fashion and pop culture?

  • JULIANA:

    I think whats lost is history. Although I find a lot of what is being widely deemed "appropriation" distasteful, I generally don't have value judgements or ideas of what anyone should or should not be allowed to do, take, wer, etc. What I find disappointing is when the reference of specific black cultural styles, looks or dispositions is done without any understanding of the fact that its tied to real people with real histories. I think there's a playful and witty way of taking elements of black culture(s), but to do so intelligently requires a basic awareness that just because an image was pulled from tumblr, pinterest, google images or a screencap from a youtube video doesn't mean that it exists in a vacuum of context or history and that the distribution of images impacts individual and collective ways of thinking about and operating in the world. If you choose to disregard that, so be it, but lets acknowledge the dynamics that are going on. The now-infamous steven meisel shoot has a long and complex history, ranging from conceptions of jigaboos in the south to the movie B.A.P.S. to the character Bunifa Latifah Halifah Sharifa Jackson on MadTV. So, on a purely aesthetic level Im excited by the fact that different aspects of blackness are being placed in dialogue with other traditions and canons and I think the result is fostering a creative explosion in visual culture, what is unfortunately being lost in most of it is a sense of intelligence and appreciation for history context and the link between aesthetics and political reality.

  • BULLETT:

    Do you believe that anyone should be able to wear anything? Inside of fashion? Outside of fashion? Or should we be cautious and educated in our appropriation of other cultures' dress?

  • JULIANA:

    I think those are two different questions. I believe anyone should be allowed to do what they want. If a white person wants to show up to a party in blackface, go HAM. But, dont' be surprised when you get the response that ensues. I think a lot of what goes on in terms of the more problematic appropriation of black culture is that its, at base, a joke, desire for attention, way to rustle feathers or expression of some deep seeded racial resentment that you couldn't let rest at racist comments on Youtube videos. I think we should all strive to be educated and maybe if that was emphasized more, we wouldn't find ourselves trapped in cyclical conversations that ricochet between angry accusation and dismissively ignorant arrogance. I've also taken on the policy of rolling my eyes and moving on when I encounter basic, reductive racist appropriation. The power of so much of what is being categorized and attacked as appropriation is that it was meant to get the response that it does. There are a long list of caustic performers, musicians, artists and public figures who act with the intent of getting zealous responses from those who one would assume were in the 'right' (advocates for black people in this case). I choose to focus on the dynamic work I see being done and on the few white people (assuming they're the subject at all) engaging or using as a source of inspiration black culture in informed ways.

  • BULLETT:

    Most importantly though, I'm looking for calls to action, possible solutions. What would you like to see change? What can change? And how you think that change can/needs to be carried out?

  • JULIANA:

    READ. If you like black culture so much, try to understand it - it will make everything you do cooler and smarter. otherwise ... I guess you're just a wigger.

  • STEWART UOO:

    As a friend I find it compelling that you are transitioning self in many ways. Can you elaborate further however casual or in depth about your play on the idea of the name Huxtable, in light of your mid 20’s moment into this version of your self-hood?

  • JULIANA HUXTABLE:

    Huxtable is the surname that was gifted to me by my house (non-biological queer family). My imagination has a wounded attachment to the fantasies of a black American aristocracy - the collective energy of post-civil rights era black youth who had been gifted a sense of entitlement to ascend into the American middle and upper-middle class. The Huxtable family (from the Cosby Show) represented a very specific and powerful moment that I was raised in the spirit of. At the same time, I am a product of the contemporary economic reality and am witnessing the financial and aspirational foundations for those fantasies rapidly decline and decay. Theres an audacity in claiming the name, and it has animated in my work and self a sense of regality. Much of what I fear as someone who is transitioning is being disenfranchised of what most people take for granted - desirability, respectability, employability, safety, etc. My name is my armor and its an agency to create myself in the image I see fit. Its an insistence on the validity of my claim to those previously listed rights, and its a vessel that liberates my creative energies from the burden of a misgendered past. I’m in a very bizarre and transitory state in my life at the moment, but that name has helped me persist. I remember when you asked me how I wanted to be credited for the piece I wrote for Life Is Juicy, I was made aware for the first time that I had taken on a new voice, one that represented the nexus of independence, change in community, hormone replacement, etc. that Im experiencing.

  • STEWART:

    I remember asking Antonio Blair and Adam Radokovich (Founders of House of Ladosha) about the origins of the name LaDosha. They said it came about when watching Ghetto Brawl DVD’s and the namesake was a fighter that was always willing to fight even though she lost every single time. Aside from the Sisyphean analogy I found this rather touching and I deeply relate to the pathos of that character. Often when synthesizing your image and your dress I find it very compelling as if you’re a woman from another dimension. What visions of yourself, characters or otherwise do you find yourself meditating upon?

  • JULIANA:

    When someone asks me how identify, my response is always, "cyborg, cunt, priestess, witch, nuwaubian princess". I've been afforded the opportunity to reimagine myself, my history, my place of origin, etc in multiple ways. It was first through moving to New York and immersing myself in nightlife that I discovered that potential. It was there that I became close to Adam and Antonio and Christopher (Udemezue), and they became my family - we have entire mythologies for our habits, rituals, dress and language. We all have a character, or multiple, and the narratives we thrive on intersect and strengthen each other. My house and the nightlife we are part of has become a ground for experimenting with and elaborating new ways of expressing myself - be they aesthetic or performative. My transition has been a constant source of inspiration because its opened my potential for self-conception in ways that many people only experience once during adolescence. I'm particularly interested in the intersection of science fiction and theology. Canonizing myself as a Nuwaubian deity in an alternate future or from a planet where sexual dimorphism is nonexistent - these sorts of ideas have become the basis for how I dress, speak, dance and write, and the characters they give birth to have become an integral party of my selfhood.

  • STEWART:

    In your writing I find it uncanny in the ways you present your subjectivity in cadence and tone. I find it often aggressive and tenacious in its observations but ultimately profoundly sophisticated and poetic. Are you working towards any projects with writing further and also what subjects do you find elicit and enrage you: topical, deeply, both, neither?

  • JULIANA:

    My writing is a pastiche of all the ways I express myself in static text – theoretical/academic, poetic , tweeting, facebook statuses (perhaps my favorite), tumblr/blog posts, commenting on media sites... I treat them all as equally ripe with potential for engaging an idea or concept in text. The multiple sublanguages that exist here in the city have also influenced me. Just within the communities that you and I share membership in, the wit, breadth and precision of the languages that we all create together is shocking. HAM, shock value, rage, soft-serve, boop, etc - these are words that have a completely different meaning or none at all to most people, but they're legible by way of the referential world we've created that protects them. The work of using, expanding, archiving this language is done mostly through text shared via social media. My goal is to take the dispositions one might have when tweeting or blogging or writing in a journal and elaborate them into entangled extended metaphors. I just finished a set of text fragments for the next issue of Garmento, I'm working on a show of all my text-based pieces and will be doing a reading/performance at BAM in June. I'm hoping to collaborate more as well, as I find that the work of my friends is a huge inspiration and a way to see how our imaginative worlds intersect or collide.

SEX AND THE CITY

I INVITED HER TO MY HOUSE FOR A HOLIDAY DINNER. SHE WALKED IN, LOOKED AROUND AND DRAMATICALLY CRIED “AM I THE ONLY GIRL AGAIN?!”

 

IS IT BEASTIALITY OR DID YOU FUCK A TRANNY?

WHEN MATTHEW SUCKIN ON MY TITS HE ALWAYS CALLS ME MAMMY

 

AND WHERE ARE THE LOVERS? PRESUMABLY NOWHERE. LEFT IN PRIVATE ARGUMENTS WITH PARTNERS OVER UNEARTHED SHEMALE PORN, DELETED EMAILS FROM ANONYMOUS ACCOUNTS ON HOOKUP SITES THAT A FEW DATABASE ENGINEERS AT THE NSA COULD ONE DAY DISCOVER IF EVER CURIOUS ENOUGH TO SEARCH FOR ‘REAL WOMAN’ (NOT THAT ANYONE EVER WOULD), “GIRLS LIKE US” AND “MTF” TAG LISTINGS ON OKCUPID, IN AUTOMOBILES DRIVING AT 10MPH DOWN THE STREET LEADING FROM THE SUBWAY EXIT AS WINDOWS ROLL DOWN AND PACES INCREASE, IN STUDIO AND ONE BEDROOM APARTMENTS THAT HIDE INTIMACY WITH THE ILLUSION OF THE PRIVATE SPHERE…

 

OR ARE THE LOVERS TOO ENGAGED IN CONVERSATIONS ABOUT THE PROXIMITY TO GODS WE APPARENTLY HOLD IN NATIVE INDIAN AMERICA, THAILAND OR INDIA TO REALIZE IT DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER. WE’VE BEEN EXPORTED AS SYMBOLS ENUNCIATED IN THE REFLECTION BETWEEN THE TRENCHES OF XTUBE AND THE PATHETIC DESPERATE TREMBLE OF ANTONY AS SHE SANG ‘YOU ARE MY SISTER’.

 

REPHRASE: A THEATRICALLY STAGED AND METICULOUSLY ARRANGED ORGY OF 9 ‘PRE-OP’ (FOR LACK OF A BETTER OR OTHER TERM) AND CAREFULLY PRE-PARED (RECTAL SYRINGE) T-GURLS SIMULTANEOUSLY PENETRATING AND RECEIVING EACH OTHER IN A SILENCE MAINTAINED BY THE HANDS OF 9 CORRESPONDING MEN WHO COVER EACH OF THEIR MOUTHS AND GRAB EACH OF THEIR THROATS. EVERY GURLS HAS T4T WRITTEN ON HER CHEST IN MENSTRUAL BLOOD AND SEMEN. SUSPENDED ABOVE THE CENTER OF THE CIRLCE ARE THREE HARNESSES, EACH SUPPORTING ONE OF THE THREE NATURAL TRIFECTA OF POSSIBLE LOVERS - M4W/W4M, M4M AND W4W. THE LOVERS ARE THE AUDIENCE WHO WATCH, HYPNOTIZED BY THE SUBLIMITY OF THE PRODUCTION. LAUGHTER IS CUED WHEN ONE OF THE GURLS BLEEDS OR SHITS ON THE OTHER. THE SHOW ENDS WHEN THE TRIFECTA HAVE CONVINCINGLY ORGASMED. THE GURLS STAND IN A ROW, HAVE ALL MAKE-UP REMOVED BY THEIR CORRESPONDING MAN, TAKE A BOW, AND WALK OFF STAGE IN SILENCE

 

IS THE CLIT THE ORIGIN AM I JUST A SLUT

MASQUERADING AS A GIRL IN HOPES OF GETTING FUCKED

"INSURRECTIONARY COONING" /
"COONING AS DISIDENTIFICATION" /
"CONVERSATIONS WITH CHRISTINA" /
"PROFESSIONAL-NEGRO-INDUSTRIAL-COMPLEX" /
"COUNTDOWN TO MELTDOWN: WHEN THE WAIT TO FREEDOM IS STILL TOO DAMN LONG"

"INSURRECTIONARY COONING" /

"COONING AS DISIDENTIFICATION" /

"CONVERSATIONS WITH CHRISTINA" /

"PROFESSIONAL-NEGRO-INDUSTRIAL-COMPLEX" /

"COUNTDOWN TO MELTDOWN: WHEN THE WAIT TO FREEDOM IS STILL TOO DAMN LONG"

GOOGLE AUTOCOMPLETE, YOUTUBE COMMENTS, & ANONYMOUS ASKS ON TUMBLR AS CONCRETE REFLECTIONS OF THE COLLECTIVE UNCONSCIOUS MAKING ITSELF KNOWN

RE: EVERY FORM OF OPPRESSION EVER

The referential expanse of my self-imagining unpacks at a deliberate pace, avoiding resort to parody of the bodies i grow increasingly proximate to, “real women”. To embrace the exposed epidermis and un-contoured lines of my body as it is nuanced and sculpted by the determined hands of estrogen. The same (and bizarrely so) intentional becoming that i perform with each confrontation with my visage, hyperbolizing the she-elements of my flesh with brushes, bustiers and carefully proportioned jewelry. To dress, to converse, and to foreground as acts of cultural production. The ceaseless struggle to be recognized as the specific nexus of what i represent/embody. Working to comprehend as metaphor the mid-range volume levels of my face. The width of my neck and the expanse of my rib cage in tandem with the softened viscosity of the fat and fluids in my breasts.

JULIANA HUXTABLE, snippet from soon-to-be-published piece

A flurried sigh of relief jumping between the doors of a train nearly missed; a moment in which my left-hand-of-darkness vision of extraterrestrial dress finds itself subject to a psycho-social scrutiny, a dialogue engaged at risk of becoming a defense, a balancing act that requires me to be well versed in the language of the eyes and body. My eyes slant to the 15 year old from Harlem on the 3:30 4 train who is as confounded as he is struck by my appearance on his otherwise commonplace journey from school to home; I don’t have to defend myself.

JULIANA HUXTABLE, snippet from soon-to-be-published piece

INFATUATION

Longing to be baptized by his lost father at the alter of his prostate. A generation of boys lost to plague leaving the journey into maturity uncharted and unpaved. His only escape in drug-induced necromancy with apparitions of faggots long gone, distracted as he is ushered into manhood by the compulsive regulatory scheme of respectability. Somewhere between razor burns that no longer fade into the youthful collagen of Adonis and his 35 yr birthday [crisis], they all run, avoiding daddy-by-default by covering their eyes with pillows, now beneath their face instead of atop.

DO YOU THINK SHARRON NEEDLES IS A RACIST?

I THINK MOST PINK PEOPLE THAT EXIST AS A BYPRODUCT OF THE WORLD-AS-IS ARE RACIST. I THINK SHARON NEEDLES DOES WHAT A LOT OF WHITE DRAG QUEENS DO, AND RESORT TO RACISM AS SHOCK VALUE. AS A WHITE QUEEN IN DRAG-CAREER WORLD WHERE BLACK FAGGOTS ARE PERCEIVED TO HAVE SOME SORT OF ADVANTAGE OR DEFERENCE IN TERMS OF EARNING RESPECT (A LOT OF GAY LANGUAGE ITSELF IS INDEBTED TO BLACK FAGGOTS), I THINK AN EASY WAY OUT IS MAKE “EXTREME” RACIAL GENDER OR SIMILAR JOKES, ACTS, ETC. THE SAME GENERALLY GOES FOR THE STRAIN OF GAY MALE MISOGYNY THAT COMES OUT THROUGH REPEATED ATTACKS OR PUNCHES AT LESBIANS AS SOME SORT OF MONOLITHIC BUTT OF “FAGGOTS ARE STYLISH AND HOT AND DON’T HAVE VAGINAS” JOKES. DRAG ENGAGES IF NOT BUILDS ITSELF ON CAMP AND COMEDY, WITH THE OSTENSIBLE LICENSE TO CARRY BASED ON THE APPARENTLY SHARED BURDEN WE’VE ALL HAD AS QUEERS. I DONT THINK SAYING NIGGER OR USING KKK IMAGERY IS TRANSGRESSIVE OR AN INTELLIGENT/ARTISTIC WAY OF ATTACKING THE “EXTREME CENSORSHIP OF POLITICAL CORRECTNESS” THAT SOMEHOW FORCES PEOPLE TO AVOID THE DARK TRUTH OF THE FACT THAT WE’RE ALL OUR OWN STEREOTYPES - I THINK ITS GROUNDED IN INSECURITY AND EASY SHOCK VALUE APPEAL. I THINK SHE SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO WHATEVER THE FUCK SHE WANTS, AS AN EXEMPLAR OF THE INTERSECTION (PROBLEMATIC OR NOT) SHE SPEAKS FROM AND THE AUDIENCE WHO WANTS THAT. I JUST WON’T BE BUYING ANY TICKETS TO HER SHOW - THERE ARE SCORES OF FANS WAITING TO DO JUST THAT. LASTLY, NOTHING IS PERMANENT AND A CHANGE OF HEART IS ALWAYS A POSSIBILITY, LOOK AT PRUSSIAN BLUE!

SO I SEND LOVE TO SHARON AND HOPE THAT ONE DAY SHE MIGHT REALIZE THAT RACISM FOR SHOCK VALUE ISN’T H.A.M., ITS HOMICIDE AND AT BEST A REALLY REALLY TACKY ACCESSORY TO A LOOK THAT I WOULD OTHERWISE BE INCLINED TO LIVE FOR.

(I ALSO THINK THAT A LOT OF WHITE QUEENS EXPERIENCE THE SAME HOMOPHOBIA AND TRANSPHOBIA FROM MEN GENERALLY, BUT WHAT IS UNSPOKEN IS PARTICULARLY BLACK MEN, AND INSTEAD OF CRITICALLY ENGAGING WHAT THAT DYNAMIC MEANS, RESORT TO A VERY BIZARRE, IRATE AND REACTIONARY FORM OF SHOCK VALUE RACISM AS A WAY TO COPE)

SNIPPET HERE - WANT TO FIND A FULL VIDEO SOMEWHERE …

fagcity:

Juliana Huxtable reads at FAG CITY at Envoy Enterprises, 11/10/12. Video by Jamie Sterns.

THE WHOLE HOUSE EATS

WHILE THE TERMS THAT DESIGNATE ROLES AND POSITIONS IN A HOUSE SUGGEST A MUTATION OF THE NUCLEAR FAMILY MODEL, IT IS NOT SIMPLY SO. IF YOU LOOK AT THE SOCIAL ARCHITECTURE OF A HOUSE IN AN ISOLATED MOMENT, ONE MIGHT LOGICALLY DEDUCE THAT THE ROLES ARE SET; THAT THERE IS AN ULTIMATE MOTHER AND/OR FATHER WHO DEFINITIVELY ‘BIRTHED’ OR ‘ADOPTED’ CHILDREN, WHO STATICALLY REMAIN CHILDREN. THE MOMENTARY UNDERSTANDING FAILS TO COME TO TERMS WITH THE TRUE NATURE OF THE HOUSE. THE HOUSE IS A FAMILY WHOSE INNER WORKINGS WERE ENGINEERED BY INTUITION - THE INTUITION OF QUEERS, FAGGOTS, DYKES, BOIS, GURLS, AND OTHERWISE OSTRACIZED BY THE FAMILY UNITS THAT DENIED THEM OF THEIR PLACE IN THE BIOLOGICAL ORGANIZATION OF THE FAMILY. THIS INTUITION IS INFORMED AND FORMED BY COLLECTIVE MEMORIES OF DENIED LABOR. THE LABOR OF SELF-CARE, THE LABOR OF LOVE, THE LABOR OF FAMILIAL CONTRIBUTION AND PARTICIPATION IN  THE SOCIAL AND POLITICAL FUNCTIONS OF SOCIETY AT LARGE, DENIED AND UNACKNOWLEDGED. THE GRIDLOCKED NATURE OF A SYSTEM IN WHICH POWER IS DISTRIBUTED VIA SEX (MERGED WITH GENDER), AGE AND GENETIC PROXIMITY IS COUNTERED BY A FAMILIAL STRUCTURE IN FLUX - ONE IN WHICH LABOR AND RECOGNITION FOR THAT LABOR ARE THE FOUNDATION FOR THE DISTRIBUTION AND ATTAINMENT OF POWER. A MOTHER OR FATHER EXISTS AS SUCH INSOFAR AS THEY HAVE EARNED THAT TITLE AND EXERCISED THE RESPONSIBILITY IT ENTAILS THROUGH THE LABOR OF LOVE, THROUGH THE LABOR OF PROVIDING SHELTER, FOOD, GUIDANCE AND ADVICE, THROUGH THE LABOR OF MEDIATION REQUIRED TO MAINTAIN THE FAMILIAL BONDS OF A HOUSE, AND THROUGH ULTIMATELY PROVIDING WAYS FOR THEIR ‘CHILDREN’ TO BECOME MOTHERS AND FATHERS IN THEIR OWN RIGHT. CERTAIN STRATEGIC FUNCTIONS AND TRADITIONS OF THE BIOLOGICAL/NUCLEAR UNIT ARE STILL PRACTICED, THE MOST NOTABLE BEING A RESPECT FOR ELDERS. ONCE ESTABLISHED AS A MOTHER OR FATHER, THAT ROLE IS NEVER TAKEN AWAY OR UNACKNOWLEDGED. IN THIS SENSE, THERE IS A MORE STATIC ELEMENT OF HOUSE MOTHERHOOD AND FATHERHOOD. HOWEVER, A MOTHER OR FATHER’S RELATIONSHIP TO THEIR CHILDREN IS NOT SO STATIC, FOR CHILDREN GROW, AND MANY EARN THE ROLE OF MOTHER OR FATHER WITHIN THE HOUSE OR ELSEWHERE AS A SYMBOL OF AND COHORT TO ADULTHOOD AND SUCCESS GENERALLY. SIMILARLY, CERTAIN BONDS COMPLICATE, UNDERCUT OR EXIST IN JUXTAPOSITION TO THE PARENT/CHILD MODEL. SISTERHOOD AND BROTHERHOOD, AS MODELS OF LATERAL SOCIAL AND FAMILIAL RELATIONS SUPPLEMENT THE HIERARCHICAL NATURE OF PARENT/CHILD AND MANY CHOOSE TO USE THESE AS TOOLS TO REFIGURE HOW A HOUSE IS UNDERSTOOD AND ORGANIZED. THE HOUSE IS A FAMILY OF LABOR, LOVE, SOCIAL SUPPORT, PROTECTION AND RECOGNITION OF THE SAME.

WAGE GARNISHMENT

I’M DISGUSTED BY THE EXISTENCE OF STUDENT LOANS. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE INVESTED IN A BULLSHIT VERSION OF DEMOCRACY THAT EVEN AS A “FULLY PARTICIPATING” CITIZEN, THAT PARTICIPATION HAS NO IMPACT ON THE EVERYDAY CHAINS OF STUDENT DEBT. MY EDUCATION CAME AT THE COST OF MY ABILITY TO FINANCIALLY BREATHE IN AN ECONOMY THAT HAS ALREADY RESTRICTED IF NOT SMOTHERED THE THE SOCIAL FANTASY OF COLLECTIVELY SUSTAINING  THE TWILIGHT ZONE BETWEEN DREAMS OF SELF AND SELF-SUPORT; THE ONLY HOPE THAT SUSTAINED ME WHILE DEALING WITH THE INSTITUTIONAL RACISM AND SOCIO-ECONOMIC ISOLATION OF COLLEGE; THE ONLY REAL REASON I TOOK ON THIS DEBT IN THE FIRST PLACE. THE STATISTICAL ANOMALY OF MY ENROLLMENT AND GRADUATION FROM COLLEGE HAS BEEN MATCHED WITH THE STATISTICAL ANOMALY OF SEIZING AN OPPORTUNITY TO PAY THE SAME BACK AND SUSTAIN MY GROWTH AS A PERSON. SNATCHED. 

THE SOUND OF MY SECOND LOVE

THE SOUNDTRACK WAS AN EMBLEMATIC PASTICHE OF ACID HOUSE, HOUSE OF LADOSHA, HOME-SPUN TRIP HOP, AND GENRES EMBLEMATIC OF A MOMENT IN WHICH BLACK QUEENS HAD TAKEN THEIR RIGHTFUL PLACE AT THE THRONE OF CULTURAL PRODUCTION,

ALBEIT WITH THE SUPPLEMENTAL FACT THAT MARKY MARK, VANILLA ICE, EMINEM AND THE NOTABLE LIST OF CAUCASOID MEN ASSUMING THE POSTURE OF WHAT ANY 7TH GRADER MIGHT CALL A ‘WIGGER’ MET ITS MATCH IN THE SLEW OF WHITE WOMEN ‘PERFORMERS WITH EQUALLY BRAZEN ATTEMPTS TO FIGHT THE NASAL QUALITY OF THEIR VOICE AND EQUALLY SHORT EXPIRATION DATES, SAVE A FEW NOTABLE MOMENTS OF IMAGINATIVE FASHION DECISIONS

DISSONANT AND ATOPAL HYPBRIDS OF MILDY DATED HIP-HOP/R&B,  INDUSTRIAL CLUB AND AMBIENT MEDITATIONS ON THE GREY-ER AND UNSETTLING POTENTIALS OF DANCE MADE THEIR WAY FROM THE WEST VIA SOUNDCLOUD TO THE SPEAKERS OF THE CITY. THE DEMOCRATIC NATURE OF ELECTRONIC MUSIC PRODUCTION AND ACCESSIBILITY ATTACKED THE WHITE-WASHED LEGACY OF MISSHAPES, PITCHFORK, AND RUFF CLUB WITH A BASS-DRIVEN SIEGE FROM THE WRETCHED OF THE EARTH, BOTH ABROAD AND WITHIN THE CITY LIMITS. 

NEOPRENE, SPANDEX, FLUORESENCE, AND $400 BUFFALO PLATFORMS SIGNALED A DECIDEDLY ESCAPIST RETURN TO THE ECSTATIC AND YOUTH-CENTERED ETHOS OF RAVE AND CLUB-KID CULTURE.

THE CONVERGENCES BETWEEN AND WITHIN THESE AND OTHERS PROVIDED THE SOUNDTRACK FOR MY PROJECT, POSTURING ALTERNATE WAYS OF IMAGINING MYSELF. FEELING PUSSY, PERCHED, BUT NEVER PARCHED, DRINK IN HAND I STRETCHED INTO A GLORIOUSLYHOLY-MOUNTAIN-ESQUE SPACE, WETHER IN BUSHWICK, AT HOME SWEET HOME, THE WESTWAY OR THE MONSTER, PUSHING THE WEIGHT OF MY HIPS, LIMBS AND EXTREMITIES  IN SYNCHRONIZED AND THEATRICAL MOTIONS, I VOGUED MY WAY THROUGH A SUPERNOVA REMNANT MADE OF LINGERING BURSTS OF LIGHTWAVES FROM CAMERA FLASHES PAST, REFRACTED THROUGH SHATTERED HANDLES OF WELL VODKA ILLUMINATING AN EXPANDING MASS OF DUANE READE MAKE-UP AND CIGARETTE ASH PUSHED FORWARD  BY THE PULSE OF CELESTIAL SUBWOOFERS AND FOREGROUNDED BY A FLOATING MASS OF SHADE FROM SHITTY FAGGOTS, ANGRY BIDDES AND DISENFRANCHISED BROS.